A letter to my mother
My darling Mother
Having a mother like you while growing up was the greatest gift and biggest advantage anyone could ever have given me. It is because of the confidence and values that you instilled in me that made me who I am today. Thank you for shaping me into a person who I like and am proud to be. Thank you letting us believe that we could be whoever we wanted to be, do whatever we wanted to do, there were no limitations except our drive, ambition and creativity.
Having you in my life through out my infertility has been a literal life and sanity saver for me. If there was a text book on how to be the perfect mother to an infertile daughter, it would have you as the role model.
Thank you for your unwavering support through out my journey.
Thank you for reading all the books that I read, thank you for learning about a world that must be so foreign to you.
Thank you for taking me to hospital and sitting with me through all those retrievals and transfers, remember how excited we were for our first one? You are much more calming than having Marko huff and puff next to me.
Thank you for meeting HdrH, for always taking an interest in what we were doing.
Thank you for taking me to acupuncture after transfer when I couldn’t drive, thank you for sitting there with me.
Thank you for holding my hand when I had my D&C, for crying with me afterwards.
Thank you for always having hope for me when I didn’t have for myself.
Thank you for telling me not to give up when I said I couldn’t do it any more.
Thank you for never giving up on me when I went through that dark period, when I shut every one out of my life. When loving me must have been like trying to hold a cactus. Thank you for loving me through all of my rejections of help and love.
Thank you for always thinking about how Marko must be feeling, so many people forget about him because he doesn’t talk much.
Thank you for sending me that text message on the day your other daughter gave birth saying “I know this day must be very hard for you, thinking of you, I love you”. Thank you Mother, that message helped me so much.
Thank you for mediating in the relationship with my sister, I know it must be very hard for you to be stuck in the middle of the tension that was between us. Thank you for never taking sides, for being there for both of us equally, for being the perfect mother and grandmother to your very fertile daughter, and being the perfect mother and pillar of strength to your very infertile daughter. I can’t wait for my kids to love you as much as my nieces and nephew do. They love their Mimi very much.
Thank you for saying to me, with your whole heart, that you would love my child 100%, even more, no matter where that child came from, whether DE or adoption.
Thank you for going with me to nearly every scan when I was pg with Luke and Ben, you were with me for my first scan, when we found it was quads, you supported me through out my decision to reduce, even though I know it was very hard for you.
Thank you for coming to visit me when I was in hospital after having lost Luke, thank you for sitting there in the chair, either entertaining me with stories from home or just sitting quietly. Thank you for washing my underwear, for bringing me books, special treats. You gave me some dignity. Thank you for bringing the nurses vegetables from the garden, I was their favourite patient.
Thank you for driving all the way from home to take me to my scans.
Thank you for loving Ben so much while he was still inside.
Thank you for rushing through to me when I went in labour, thank you for being there, I needed you there. All I wanted was my husband and my mother there.
Thank you for loving him so much while he was alive.
Thank you for loving him still. For never forgetting about him.
Thank you for taking me to those appointments at the breast feeding clinics, where we both sat and cried while I told my story about my little boy in hospital.
Thank you for having his picture in your bedroom, pride of place amoung the rest of your grandchildren. For always talking about him, for crying with me and on your own about him. Thank you for reading all the grief books I got, for getting books of your own and giving them to me to read.
And oh God Mother, you never got to hold him, never got to touch him, our special boy. The one we watched get bigger and bigger in my tummy, the one we loved so much. That’s not right Mother, you never got to hold him. Remember how proud we were of him when he used to roll around and kick on the scans. Remember how we laughed when we saw his bits, how you told Dad and Paul that our boy has big balls.
Thank you for being there for me, when other people didn’t know what to do with me or for me when I was so raw with grief. Marko used to drop me off at your house because I couldn’t even stand any more, I couldn’t breath any more, I was so full of pain. You just sat and held me and let me cry and wail. You let me be raw.
Thank you for taking me to the hospital for sedation when it all got too much for me. I felt like a helpless child, thank you for taking charge. I know you were grieving too, for your grandchild and for your child, but you had to be strong for me, thank you.
Thank you for the text message you sent me that said “walking in the garden, looking at the beautiful flowers and thinking of our boy Ben” a few weeks later.
Thank you for the flowers and beautiful card I got from you on mother’s day this year that said “to a special mother of a special boy”. Thank you for doing this when other people couldn’t look me in the eye. When people told you not to because I wasn’t a mother. Thank you for standing up for me, for telling them that I was. For thinking of me on a day where I should have been celebrating you.
Thank you for loving Kate and Adam as much as I do.
Thank you for meeting me at the Dr’s rooms two weeks ago when I thought something was wrong.
Thank you, for every thing you have done for me, thank you for every thing you have said, and for all the times when you said nothing and just listened.
Thank you for being my good luck charm, my muse, my hero, my savior, my therapist, my chauffeur, my cook, and now my bedrest nurse.
Thank you for being such a wonderful mother when your own mother never held you, never told you she loved you. Thank you for being so wonderful when your own childhood was so hard, your mother was so hard. I am so sorry you never got to experience how wonderful it is to have a loving caring mother. Thank you for not allowing the cycle to repeat itself, it could have happened so easily.
Thank you thank you thank you. For a million things, for everything. I don’t know what I would do without you. There are so many many more things, small things, big things.
I love you very very much, if I could be half as good a mother to my children as you are to your children, I will have done exceptionally well.
Thank you mother, I love you, more than words can ever express.
Having a mother like you while growing up was the greatest gift and biggest advantage anyone could ever have given me. It is because of the confidence and values that you instilled in me that made me who I am today. Thank you for shaping me into a person who I like and am proud to be. Thank you letting us believe that we could be whoever we wanted to be, do whatever we wanted to do, there were no limitations except our drive, ambition and creativity.
Having you in my life through out my infertility has been a literal life and sanity saver for me. If there was a text book on how to be the perfect mother to an infertile daughter, it would have you as the role model.
Thank you for your unwavering support through out my journey.
Thank you for reading all the books that I read, thank you for learning about a world that must be so foreign to you.
Thank you for taking me to hospital and sitting with me through all those retrievals and transfers, remember how excited we were for our first one? You are much more calming than having Marko huff and puff next to me.
Thank you for meeting HdrH, for always taking an interest in what we were doing.
Thank you for taking me to acupuncture after transfer when I couldn’t drive, thank you for sitting there with me.
Thank you for holding my hand when I had my D&C, for crying with me afterwards.
Thank you for always having hope for me when I didn’t have for myself.
Thank you for telling me not to give up when I said I couldn’t do it any more.
Thank you for never giving up on me when I went through that dark period, when I shut every one out of my life. When loving me must have been like trying to hold a cactus. Thank you for loving me through all of my rejections of help and love.
Thank you for always thinking about how Marko must be feeling, so many people forget about him because he doesn’t talk much.
Thank you for sending me that text message on the day your other daughter gave birth saying “I know this day must be very hard for you, thinking of you, I love you”. Thank you Mother, that message helped me so much.
Thank you for mediating in the relationship with my sister, I know it must be very hard for you to be stuck in the middle of the tension that was between us. Thank you for never taking sides, for being there for both of us equally, for being the perfect mother and grandmother to your very fertile daughter, and being the perfect mother and pillar of strength to your very infertile daughter. I can’t wait for my kids to love you as much as my nieces and nephew do. They love their Mimi very much.
Thank you for saying to me, with your whole heart, that you would love my child 100%, even more, no matter where that child came from, whether DE or adoption.
Thank you for going with me to nearly every scan when I was pg with Luke and Ben, you were with me for my first scan, when we found it was quads, you supported me through out my decision to reduce, even though I know it was very hard for you.
Thank you for coming to visit me when I was in hospital after having lost Luke, thank you for sitting there in the chair, either entertaining me with stories from home or just sitting quietly. Thank you for washing my underwear, for bringing me books, special treats. You gave me some dignity. Thank you for bringing the nurses vegetables from the garden, I was their favourite patient.
Thank you for driving all the way from home to take me to my scans.
Thank you for loving Ben so much while he was still inside.
Thank you for rushing through to me when I went in labour, thank you for being there, I needed you there. All I wanted was my husband and my mother there.
Thank you for loving him so much while he was alive.
Thank you for loving him still. For never forgetting about him.
Thank you for taking me to those appointments at the breast feeding clinics, where we both sat and cried while I told my story about my little boy in hospital.
Thank you for having his picture in your bedroom, pride of place amoung the rest of your grandchildren. For always talking about him, for crying with me and on your own about him. Thank you for reading all the grief books I got, for getting books of your own and giving them to me to read.
And oh God Mother, you never got to hold him, never got to touch him, our special boy. The one we watched get bigger and bigger in my tummy, the one we loved so much. That’s not right Mother, you never got to hold him. Remember how proud we were of him when he used to roll around and kick on the scans. Remember how we laughed when we saw his bits, how you told Dad and Paul that our boy has big balls.
Thank you for being there for me, when other people didn’t know what to do with me or for me when I was so raw with grief. Marko used to drop me off at your house because I couldn’t even stand any more, I couldn’t breath any more, I was so full of pain. You just sat and held me and let me cry and wail. You let me be raw.
Thank you for taking me to the hospital for sedation when it all got too much for me. I felt like a helpless child, thank you for taking charge. I know you were grieving too, for your grandchild and for your child, but you had to be strong for me, thank you.
Thank you for the text message you sent me that said “walking in the garden, looking at the beautiful flowers and thinking of our boy Ben” a few weeks later.
Thank you for the flowers and beautiful card I got from you on mother’s day this year that said “to a special mother of a special boy”. Thank you for doing this when other people couldn’t look me in the eye. When people told you not to because I wasn’t a mother. Thank you for standing up for me, for telling them that I was. For thinking of me on a day where I should have been celebrating you.
Thank you for loving Kate and Adam as much as I do.
Thank you for meeting me at the Dr’s rooms two weeks ago when I thought something was wrong.
Thank you, for every thing you have done for me, thank you for every thing you have said, and for all the times when you said nothing and just listened.
Thank you for being my good luck charm, my muse, my hero, my savior, my therapist, my chauffeur, my cook, and now my bedrest nurse.
Thank you for being such a wonderful mother when your own mother never held you, never told you she loved you. Thank you for being so wonderful when your own childhood was so hard, your mother was so hard. I am so sorry you never got to experience how wonderful it is to have a loving caring mother. Thank you for not allowing the cycle to repeat itself, it could have happened so easily.
Thank you thank you thank you. For a million things, for everything. I don’t know what I would do without you. There are so many many more things, small things, big things.
I love you very very much, if I could be half as good a mother to my children as you are to your children, I will have done exceptionally well.
Thank you mother, I love you, more than words can ever express.
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